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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

OUT OF THE CLOSET



No.........not THAT!

It's Mizmollye and Punkin Darlin all the way. But.........
what do we keep in our closets? Things we don't want to have out in the open. Right?

And there is a huge part of who I am that I don't keep out in the open and after much thought and prayer on my part I have decided to "come out of the closet" with all of you for one reason. I think I have a story to tell that cannot be as effective and maybe as important to someone out there if I keep that part of myself locked away in my closet to only be taken out for a choice few.

Now I realize that there may be some who are offended, some who may not want to be my friends and perhaps some who just do not understand. If so...I won't say my feelings will not be hurt, but I will understand that sometimes things are just not what you'd like them to be and after weighing the consequences, I've decided to get honest with all of you my blogging sisters who've I come to know and love like crazy.
And if the truth be known, I'll bet some of you have been affected one way or the other by the bug that bit me long ago.

I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. There I said it.

I have a sobriety birthday of July 14, 2002. And with humility and gratitude I just celebrated 8 years of continuous sobriety.

Now we who are recovering from an addictions are eager to tell "our story" to others in the hopes that someone who still suffers may be helped by hearing us tell what our life used to be like, what happened and what our life is like today.

And as you might imagine, this is likely to be a very long post so if you're interested and just can't hang around long enough to read it, I will post "My Story" on my sidebar and you can return to read it later.

From the time I was a very small girl I always felt "less than". Different and not as good as. I don't know why because I came from a happy family. There were only three people in our family who had a problem with alcohol. My grandmother, my grandfather (both my mother's parents) and my uncle (my mom's brother). I cannot remember being affected by them as I rarely saw them drink or saw the fallout from. But I always had the "izzms".

At the age of 18 I was a single mom and again at the age of 20. I felt that I was a huge disappointment to my parents, because in the early '60's this was totally unacceptable and very shameful. But my girls and I were happy and I had a good job as a telephone operator. I felt the only thing missing in our little family was a D-A-D-D-Y and I soon found one. He was cute, had a new car, lived across the street with his momma, had a day job and sang in a band. I felt at that age that he had all the requirements! He was the one. Yep he was the one alright (NOT) and without going into any details suffice it to say my life was anything but happy. We later had two sons and when my youngest son Jake was 15, I left the marriage and never looked back. I had spent 19 years in a very disfunctional marriage. As to drinking, we were not big drinkers and we could not afford it anyway, but regardless of the amount or frequency of our drinking, the outcome was always the same. BAD. It brought out the worst in both of us. Our children went through years of atrocities uncalled for.

After our divorce, I jumped into the fire again after only 6 months and once again, when nothing changes...nothing changes and I married a charismatic good looking barber from south Louisiana. A Cajun. And an accomplished daily drinker. So that is what I became. Our marriage was volatile. We loved each other but clearly both were sick. When you are sick and you don't know it, you don't know how to get well. My sickness in addition to a severe allergy to alcohol, was that I was of such a low self esteem and never felt that I deserved to be happy, to have anything nice, or for anyone to treat me nice that I always felt more comfortable being physically and emotionally, verbally abused. He also became sick as a direct result of alcohol and died a horrible death after 15 years of marriage.

Well I was a widow at the age of 56 and didn't even know how to start a lawnmower, or balance a checkbook. I had always had faith and knew God from a teen but certainly did not live reflecting that. However God indeed brought me through some very dark days following his death. After about 18 months, I realized I was still alive and had lots of living to do. I began living a very unhealthy lifestyle and hung around lots of sick people,unsavory places and again used alcohol to mask my pain, guilt and shame. A couple of my children turned away from me and I was not allowed to be a part of my grandchildren's lives. I felt dirty, rotten, worthless, useless and became very, very depressed. I thought more than once of ending my life. I believed my family hated me. I now know they never hated me, they hated my disease.

One morning I sat at my kitchen table and while drinking a cup of coffee God spoke to me with a mercy I did not deserve. He told me I did not have to live the rest of my life like I was living. I listened. Finally something had changed.

I called the local number of a 12-step program to recovery and they mailed to me a little schedule of meetings. I waited a few days and planned to make my first meeting on a Sunday night. I got lost trying to find the place and called and went back the next night, and the next and the next and I made a meeting every night and every weekend twice a day for one year! Then before you knew it I had been sober for two years. Then three and now.....................

Today my life is so very different that I sometimes pinch myself to see if it is really true. I met my husband after I came to know sobriety and we have a marriage that I only thought existed in fairy tales. He loves me unconditionally and treats me like a princess. He has so much respect and admiration for me. He also loves my children. They in turn all adore and love him. I love him more than I thought I was capable of. He is my soulmate, my best friend. He is not my past, but he is my present, a gift. I hope he will always be my future.

Today I am close to all my children and while I missed so much of being a grandmother, I still love and have a relationship with my grandchildren and have such joy in being a great-grandmother. Today I know how to be a friend. I do not take my sobriety lightly or for granted. I lost both parents while I was still in my addiction and I reacted badly. I regret my mother did not live to see me in recovery.

I got the nightmarish telephone call that every mother prays she'll never receive. That of telling me my youngest son had shot himself and was dead. He too was coming up on three years of sobriety for the same disease and was so grateful. Jake was just simply a Godly man. I pray it was an accident. I believe it was an accident though I have not been told. That was June 17, 2010. Just a month ago.

Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death each and every day since that phone call, I'm not alone for Jesus Christ walks beside me. He comforts me and restores my soul. I will survive.

I am doing well. I could not have endured this horrendous pain and agony if I were still a practicing alcoholic. I attribute much of my strength aside from my family to the loving friends I've connected with in bloggyland. You, my sisters.

I have learned to balance my checkcook and in fact I am the "bookkeeper" in our family. We even "save" today! I am active in my church. I do volunteering with various groups. I go to meetings to be with others who have found what I have and I try to practice the principals of the program daily. I have a good life. We're not well off financially, but my husband has a good job and is a hard working man. We bought a house. The house he grew up in. I feel blessed and think I am the "richest" girl in the world.

We get on our knees before we go to bed at night thanking God for another day and I go over the days events and when I realize I've not been the woman I should have been that day, I try to make my amends to whomever I have offended and try to work on the areas that crop up in my life that need a good overhaul. God delivered me of the obsession to drink and he gives me serenity one day at a time. My serenity is contingent to the way I choose to live. I have to continuously think of you before myself and when I put myself first, you can be sure there is a trainwreck around the bend.

I accept alcoholism as a disease and also a family disease. Everyone close to the alcoholic is affected. My daughters are active in the sister program which helps them take care of themselves and teaches them that they are not responsible for anyone but themselves as they did not cause it, they cannot cure it, and they cannot control it. "It" being the one with the disease. We're a family in recovery. A family that was sick and is getting well. We've learned how to be there for each other in a healthy way.

I hope by opening my closet and trying to be as honest as I have the right to be that I may help someone out there who is hurting and does not know where to turn. All I have is today and what I am asked to do in return for my today is to share my experience,strength and hope for a brighter tomorrow! We do this one day at a time.

So for all of you who have commented on my strength and are amazed at the peace I've been able to find following Jake's death, you now know from where it comes and how it came about.

I love you all!

33 comments:

  1. Dear Mollye, I commend you for telling your story. I stand and applaud you. I am glad that when God spoke, you listened. He is the amswer. Congratulations on finding the man of your dreams. I hope you live a faify tale life. Gerry

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  2. Molly, what a sweet, selfless spirit you have! Thank you for sharing your story. God really does bless us with the peace that passes all understanding.

    (((hugs)))
    Jessie

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  3. Sending a big ole hug to you Mollye. You are such a wonderful creative person. So glad you have found the person you want to be as well as your Prince Charming

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  4. if anyone judges you badly for being who you are, then shame on them...I am proud to be your friend...you are very human and very honest and I appreciate that....God loves you girl.......thanks for sharing...

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  5. Thank you for sharing your story. That was very brave. Congratulations on your sobriety. With God all things are possible.

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  6. Oh Mollye I am so glad you shared your story. Not only will it help others it just may help you as well. None of us are perfect Mollye, we all have imperfections. Your are strong my friend, you have carried a heavy load and your true friends will help you carry any future loads.....we do care sweetie, very much....Hugs

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  7. Mollye, as I have said all along, you are such an amazing and strong woman...and you just proved it again. I commend you for sharing your story, and it certainly doesn't change the way I think of you, except that I admire you even more, if that's even possible! Hugs to you!

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  8. Mollye I will write more tomorrow, but for tonight - I think you are one amazing woman!

    SANDIE

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  9. Mollye I am so touched by your story and proud of you for sharing it! I have a brother who is an alcoholic and it is so sad to see him throwing his life away. I pray for him to finally find recovery but so far he hasn't. I lost a good friend last summer to the evils of alcohol and I know the devastating effects it has on lives. You should be proud of your sobriety and if anyone thinks less of you then they are ignorant. It takes a strong person to fight the disease every day! God Bless You!

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  10. Life is one long lesson. We all have demons even if we think we don't. I commend you for "outing" yourself. Maybe it will help someone else with their struggle.
    Alcoholism is in my family. My father (deceased) & my 2 brothers. I NEVER so much as touch anything with even the remotest bit of alcohol in it as I never wanted to have a problem. That is just how I cope.....
    Have a Wonderful Day!!
    Love,
    Marilyn

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  11. Momma, even when you looked down on yourself I looked up to you. I always have, and I always will. You are the wonderful woman that sheltered and protected me when I needed it.

    I love you,
    Buddy

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  12. Good for you Miz Mollye! I'm glad you're a strong woman and am glad God is guiding you. Big hugs!

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  13. Mollye, I don't care if you were an ax murderer, I'd still love you to pieces! And if you were in jail, I'd bake you a file in a cake. Girlfriend, you are loved. Nothing you can tell me would change that. Nope. Can undo it. Too late!

    I have had close friends and two family members (one on either side of the family... both uncles... one great and one my dad's brother) who have battled alcoholism. It is not an easy disease, and I am so very proud of you for staying in recovery.

    My challenge was cigarettes, and I gave them up and walked away and have never been happier. I started smoking with friends (it was cool), and I was the one who got hooked and never thought I would be. So I understand addiction.

    Suicide or the thought of suicide is a very difficult thing to deal with (I've had two very close friends suicide over the years), and my heart goes out to you. Somehow, though, I don't believe that Jake killed himself. But even if he did, he still went straight into the arms of Jesus as a believer.

    Sending you an extra hug this morning, Mollye. And guess what? You are worthy because Jesus says so. Same reason I am. And Mollye, I would never judge you because I have been forgiven much.

    XO,

    Sheila :-)

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  14. Oh, my Sister,
    The things you have witnessed and the things you have yet to say. No one knows the influences on our lives that create the people we are to become. The things you have been through make you a valuable tool for the Lord. You can empathize and help others in ways others cannot. Mollye, I know this post was not an easy thing to write. I'm sure it was a great release of emotion to actually put it in words. I am glad you are in a good place now, where you can reflect on the journey you have taken. We can rejoice for out of the wilderness you have come. I sind a praise to the Lord for being with you and holding you in the palm of His hand.
    Love to you my friend,
    Debbie

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  15. She is an "A" for sure....my mom is Amazing, Awesome, A powerful witness , A winner, and A brave woman of God. So proud of you momma, because above all you are An overcomer !

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  16. Oh my dear Miz. M. i love you even more. I have been co-dependent more years than I care to remember. Been working on the 12 step program to this day. I remember when I found Al-Anon, I realized I was as sick as the alcoholic, my father and daughter.Depression has hung around my neck since I was 8 years old. I am a real human being trying to live out this philosophy.
    " Life is God's gift to you, what you make of it is your gift back to Him."I know He would be so proud of you. Anyone can be nearly perfect when things always go right. It is the battles we fight that make us strong souls. Calluses on the soul are like calluses on one's hands.The proof of working hard at life. blessings
    QMM

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  17. Oh Mollye, I read EVERY word... I am checking in on some of my followers and SO glad I stopped in! First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your Son! I know that is small compared to what you have gone thru but I am putting you on my prayer list! I know that is what gets us thru these times is prayer! Secondly, I am so proud of you for your letting us peek in your closet. I know that wasn't easy but I am proud of you for saying it and living it!

    Big hugs and continued prayers!

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  18. thanks for sharing your amazing story, mollye girl. i know that it will be a blessing to many who read it, including me.

    you GO girl! may the Lord continue to bless you and keep you, all the days of your life.

    love and hugs,
    terry lee

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  19. hugs to you my sister...you are one amazing woman
    ~victoria~

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  20. Mollye nothing you could have done to come out of the closet for would make me stop wanting to be your friend.

    My Father was an alcoholic as are my two brothers. My oldest brother was also into drugs but they are both doing well now and are clean and sober.

    You have had some pretty heavy crosses to bear throughout your life but with the help of the Lord you made it Mollye and are stronger for it.

    This last tragedy was a big one and I admire the way you have picked yourself up and are going on. Jake would have wanted that. The thought that he may have taken his own life is of course a question to you but from what you have shared about him I doubt he did. He was a man of God right? Then you know he did not.

    I am so happy that you found Punkin Darlin and that you are his princess. You deserve every treasure he can give you.

    God Bless you my sweet, strong, amazing friend
    I love you and wish you all the happiness in the world.
    You amaze me Mollye Shhesadoozy!

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  21. My sweet friend, I am amazed that you are such an incredibly strong woman! You have been through the fire my friend and yet you continue to be upbeat and positive and I am very honored to know you. I am not sure what I would be doing had I not meet you and many other wonderful, creative folks over here. God Bless You! My nephew Tony is a terrible alcoholic. He is 43 this year and my late sister would be heart broken if she knew what he had been doing. He is divorced and cut off contact with his young daughter. He will always regret that. I just pray and pray harder for Tony. Thanks for sharing. Hugs Anne

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  22. Bless you for your story. I know it wasn't an easy one to tell.

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  23. Mollye, you are so precious and dear! Everything I've learned about you so far, including this, simply makes me love you more. How grateful I am to have met you!

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  24. Your story is one that is and will help others. As we try to come to terms with our problems we can reach out and ask for help, although we have to make the changes ourselves, and then we can go about our lives doing our best, or we can also reach out to others in hopes of helping someone else. You have chosed to help others and I pray that you will feel God's blessing for your actions of heart and hand.

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  25. MY DEAR MOLLYE,
    I AM JUST HUGGING YOU SOOO VERY TIGHT. YOU ARE SOOOO VERY BRAVE AND I AM VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS FELT FOR ME PERSONALLY TO TELL MY STORY BEFORE A GOSSIPER GOT HOLD OF IT AND SPREAD IT TO EVERYONE BEHIND MY BACK.IN AMY'S CASE IT SPREAD BEFORE I WAS THROUGH MY GRIEF ENOUGH I COULD EVEN THINK.
    I AM JUST THE PERSON THAT SAYS, "HERE I AM"...I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO LIKE ME BUT IF YOU DON'T I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. THE PERSON YOU SEE WHEN I WRITE, IS THE PERSON GOD SEES WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND....I CAN'T BE FAKE AND THEN HAVE JESUS SEE A DIFFERENT PERSON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. IF I AM ANGRY, GOD SEES IT AND I ASK HIM TO FORGIVE ME...
    I AM IN AWE OF YOU. I AM SOOO VERY SORRY YOU WENT THROUGH THESE THINGS BUT IT IS SOOO REFRESHING TO SEE SOME ONE BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT THEIR LIFE AND WHO THEY ARE. I HAVE COME TO ADORE YOU IN SUCH A SHORT TIME AND OVER SUCH SAD CIRCUMSTANCES. MY DAD, ALTHOUGH HE WOULD DENY IT IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND HIS DAD WAS AN ALCOHOLIC...A MEAN ONE...HE BEAT DADDY AND HIS BROTHERS WITH NO MERCY, AND AT THE END OF GRANDPA'S LIFE, DADDY, WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED HIM DADDY...THE OTHER BROTHERS CALLED HIM BY HIS FIRST NAME....ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY ONLY HER, HER SISTER AND 1 BROTHER ARE NOT ALCOHOLICS....I ALWAYS TOLD MY CHILDREN THEY MUST BE CAREFUL BECAUSE IT WAS HIGHLY LIKELY THEY HAD THE ALCOHOLIC GENE. I WAS ADDICTED TO CIGARETTES AND STOPPED COLD TURKEY...I AM A FOOD ADDICT....THE WORSE PART OF MY ADDICTION IS I STILL HAVE TO EAT TO LIVE....PEOPLE THINK FOOD ADDICTION IS NOT REALLY AN ADDICTION....IT IS TOO...JUST LIKE ALCOHOL IT RUINS YOUR HEALTH....MY BELOVED AMY WAS HANGING AROUND WITH SOME FRIENDS THAT WERE BIG DRUNKEN, LET'S PARTY HEARTY. I CRIED AND PRAYED OVER HER EVERY NIGHT.I WAS AFRAID SHE WOULD DRIVE DRUNK AND KILL SOME ONE AND HER SELF. I BELIEVE SHE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC...HER WHOLE PERSONALITY CHANGED WHEN SHE WAS AROUND THEM. I AM NOT ASHAMED TO SHARE THE STORY....I WAS NEVER A PARENT THAT STUCK MY HEAD IN THE SAND AND STRUTTED LIKE A PROUD ROOSTER "MY CHILD WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" AS A RESULT OF HER RADIATION AS A CHILD SHE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN. HER HUSBAND OF 3 YEARS WAS ADDICTED TO PORN AND EVENTUALLY GOT ANOTHER GIRL PREGNANT....HE YANKED HIS CROSS OFF HIS NECK THAT AMY BOUGHT HIM AND INSTEAD OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT HE DID......THREW THE CROSS AT HER AND SAID I AM LEAVING YOU, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GIVE ME CHILDREN...I DIDN'T KNOW AT THE TIME, THAT IS WHEN HER DRINKING STARTED. IT SIMPLY KILLED AMY THAT SHE COULD NOT EVER HAVE CHILDREN. THEN CAME 3 MORE MEN IN HER LIFE THAT REALLY HURT HER. HER DRINKING WAS HEAVY...A VERY UGLY STORY. I PRAYED AND TURNED AMY OVER TO GOD, TELLING HIM I WAS HELPLESS TO HELP HER....3 WEEKS LATER SHE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER. SHE NEVER SAW THOSE FRIENDS AGAIN AND TOTALLY TURNED HER LIFE OVER TO JESUS COMPLETELY, EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS KEPT A JOURNAL AND WROTE TO GOD OFTEN...IT HAD GROWN LESS AND LESS AS SHE DRANK MORE AND MORE... BUT YOU KNOW AMY IS IN HEAVEN WHERE NO ONE CAN EVER HURT HER AGAIN, USE AND ABUSE HER,AND MAKE HER CRY. PASTOR MARNEY SHOWED ME IN ISAIAH, I BELIEVE CHAPTER 57 WHERE GOD TAKES SOME PEOPLE EARLY TO PREVENT THEM FROM LOOSING THEIR SOUL FROM WHAT IS DOWN THE ROAD. I AM ONLY SORRY THAT JAKE AND AMY DID NOT MEET BEFORE THEY ARRIVED IN HEAVEN.
    PEOPLE CAN BE VERY CRITICAL AND JUDGEMENTAL AND SOME CAN BE SO KIND IT BRINGS YOU TO TEARS..
    PEOPLE IN BLOG LAND LOVE YOU MIZ MOLLYE AND I CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR SOBRIETY. ONE DAY AT A TIME WITH GOD HOLDING YOUR HAND. YOUR STORY WILL HELP PEOPLE THAT YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN FIND OUT ABOUT UNTIL YOU ARRIVE IN HEAVEN. I AM SO EXCITED YOU FOUND YOUR SOUL MATE AND HE TREATS YOU LIKE A PRINCESS....THAT IS A BLESSING FROM GOD.
    THANK YOU MOLLYE. I LOVE AND ADORE YOU AND YOUR HONESTY HAS MADE ME LOVE YOU EVEN MORE.
    HUGS
    SIMPLY DEBBIE

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  26. Your story touches many! Thank you for sharing your heart and experiences. Praise and Glory to God.

    Come see me.

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  27. Your story is touching, and you are not just brave, but to be commended for telling it. As a person with a Ph.D. in psychology, I know that when you said you felt like you deserved the abuse, you were absolutely correct. Your entire relationships were built on this and you actually felt like something was WRONG if you were to "accidentally" get into a healthy relationship. In fact, I bet there were a few healthy ones in your life that you sabotaged because they didn't feel "right." You had to learn "right" from "wrong" before you could recognize and stay in a healthy one. Glad to read your post.

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  28. Mollye my dear sweet friend. I love your heart!!

    Thank you for trusting us enough to share your incredible story. God has, is, will continue to heal your precious heart. In the telling of your story I believe you have helped more than you will ever know here on this earth. And thank you for pointing us to the one who heals.

    I praise God for giving you Punkin. And you to him!!

    Love and hugs!!!!

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  29. Wow!! Thank you for sharing yourself and making yourself so vulnerable. Your sobriety is a gift and I know you cherish it every day. I am so sorry about your son. Losing a child is devastating. I've had five miscarriages and it changed me forever. God is faithful and He will never forsake you. A friend recently commented on a quote she had heard about there being a word for losing a spouse and losing your own parents, but there is no word for losing your child. May God continue to comfort your heart. Be blessed and praise God. My dad and numerous others in my family are alcoholics, so I do understand your victory.

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  30. mollye
    the LORD held you every step on the long road you traveled. He knew you were HIS always. He spoke to you on that day, and you said yes LORD I am ready!! you are beautiful and strong keep sharing your love!!
    blessings
    marie

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  31. Thanks for sharing your story, Mollye; it takes guts...YOU are one strong Mama.
    A.

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  32. I'm blog hopping....found you through Theresa (theycallmeganky)

    I appreciate your willingness to share your story. What an awesome example of God's love and grace!

    I will be checking in again....Blessings!

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  33. I had not seen this post before and I must say you are not only brave but again you offer your experiences as a help for others. You are the most selfless person and you so deserve your happiness! God's light just beams from you!
    I am honored to call you my friend.
    xoxox,
    Cath

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